You guys, I think I’ve lost it. Either that or I’m too brilliant for this world…frankly, I’m leaning towards “lost it”.
You may remember that yesterday’s post alluded to our cat, Roxy, peeing under our pool table. Well, I walked by that room yesterday and I. just. snapped!
No, I didn’t kill the cat (she’s too quick). Instead, I locked her in the bathroom (don’t worry dear bleeding hearts, I gave her food, water, and a litter box) and rented a steam cleaner at the grocery store.
But here was my dilemma: how do I steam clean an area rug, on hardwood floors, under a pool table? Answer: half-assed.
As you know from my previous posts, I pride myself on thinking outside of the box…like waaay outside. So this is what I did:
1. I purchased 2 plastic tarps, aluminum foil, and painter’s tape.
2. I laid a tarp under each section of rug as I cleaned it…for about the first 10 minutes, then I said “Screw this! It’s taking too long!” and ditched the tarp. *Our hardwoods, may or may not be rotting as I type this.
3. I let the rug dry for 24 hours. (cat still in solitary confinement so she can’t re-piss)
4. I then covered the rug with a tarp and taped it to the floor with painter’s tape.
Beautiful, no? Wait, it gets better!
5. And because I remembered reading that cats freak out when walking on aluminum foil, I lined the whole damn area with it!!!!
Do you know how many leftover pizzas this could have covered? Oh, the waste.
6. Then I placed the litter box near the area because I expect the cat’s brain to go something like:
“gotta nap, gotta nap, gotta nap. Hold up- gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta-WTF?! God damn it! What’s that crazy bitch done now?”
She WILL then test the foil and she WILL then almost piss herself when it crinkles (hahaha! Damn, I wish I could get that moment on video). After that, I guarantee she’ll flee to the comfort of her litter box…or my pillow. We’ll see.
I’ll admit, this is as far as I’ve gotten in my plan, I have no end game. The cat’s only 3, so my game room might look like this for the next 15 years. It’s a good thing we’re lame and never entertain.
PS- If you think this is extreme, then you definitely won’t approve of my backup plan to catheterize her.
PPSS- I’ll write the remainder of our Florida trip over the weekend. I know you’re all just DYING to know how it ends (spoiler: we come home).
