Question…what does this look like?
Hmmm
Did you say dog shit, crap, or poop? That’s what I thought too.
Turns out it’s not. And this is where my apology comes in…
Dear Old Neighbor,
Many years ago, when we first moved in, I walked barefoot into your backyard to retrieve a pair of underwear that had been flung there by either our son or our dog, Mr.Bojangles. It’s true, we rarely make a good first impression. As I quietly crept over, hoping you wouldn’t see me and realize I wasn’t wearing a bra, I felt tiny little logs under my feet. I looked down and to my horror…I was walking on and surrounded by dog shit! Shit was everywhere in your yard! My god, is that why they call them ‘Shit’zus?
I grabbed my undies and high tailed it out of there, stifling the vomit that was threatening to rise into my mouth. I agree, I have a flair for the dramatic.
When I went inside to boil my feet, I noticed that the dog crap didn’t smell at all. Weird yes, but I figured you must have put your dog on some special organic diet. After all, Snookems had her own closet filled with designer doggy gowns and her collar was studded with red Swarovski Crystals that matched her nail polish to a “T”, so the whole ‘having a way to make her poop not smell’ seemed totally plausible. That way you could dress her up, prance her around, and tell people “her shit don’t stink” and mean it both literally and figuratively. I thought it was disturbingly brilliant!
Anyway, I told my family that they could not, under any circumstances, walk onto your lawn. They could use your driveway and your walkway but if their ball rolled onto your grass they were to, “consider it a loss and think of it as an incentive to aim better next time.”
And that is how we lived for years until you moved. You probably thought we were polite neighbors who respected your privacy and property line. And I would love for you to continue thinking that but the truth is, we didn’t want to walk into your shitty yard.
Fast forward to today. The lawn company we hired knocked on my door and said they were going to aerate our grass. I figured since the lawn is outdoors it probably gets plenty of air already. This was just another money making gimmick by big corporate America and they obviously had me pegged for a schmuck. Normally I would have stood there and debated the necessity of this service but, once again, I was bra-less and could do little more than peek my head around the door and say “Sounds good. Bye now.”
Around dinner time I took Mr.Bojangles to go potty (you remember Mr. B, right? He always peed on your patio. Sorry again about that.) anyway, I took him potty and suddenly I was walking on tons and tons of shit! It was like an awful episode of Lassie, that damn Snookems must have found her way back! I called for her and called for her to no avail. Then I noticed tons of holes in the ground, they were the same size as the turds. And that’s when things started to click.
I rushed inside and Googled “air rating”, then smarty pants Google changed it to “aerating” and bingo! I was never walking on dog poop, I was walking on dirt! I felt an immediate sense of relief, stupidity, and guilt all at the same time.
I apologize, you will never again be referred to as our “Shitty” neighbors. By the way, you were lovely people, the “Shitty” part was only in reference to your yard.
Please send Snookems our apologies. We enclosed a small gift for her, “Bitch N Heat” eau de toilette, by Pupfume Inc.
Sincerely,
One Classy Family
