Friday’s tragic events have left me feeling a little bit unfunny and tremendously sad. Needless to say, I’m having trouble getting my humor on. But shopping always perks me up, so for today’s post I thought that I would do a crappy version of “Oprah’s Favorite Things”.

Here’s a list of some great gift ideas (according to me) which Oprah would never endorse, purchase, or use.

Vino2Go – For the person who has everything except a wine glass that doesn’t spill when they’re drunk. This is available through The Product Farm…but damn it, I went to order it and it’s sold out! Son of a bitch!!! I thought I’d tell you about it anyway so you can place your order for Valentine’s day. Though I’m sure some asshole is selling it on ebay right now for $99 if you want to head over there, place your bid, and come back. I’ll wait.

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat by Jen of the blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat.

Do you want to read a heartwarming book that fills your soul with all sorts of holiday fuzzies? Well, I can’t help you there. But if you want a great laugh with that “I’m going to hell” feeling then head over to amazon.com and buy this book! It’s also available on kindle.

Beardhead.com I love these hats!!! But not a damn person in my family will wear one, not even to make me a little bit happy. So can you buy one, take a pic of someone in your family wearing it, and send it to me? It’ll give me a laugh AND I’ll show it to my family as a way to say “why can’t you be more like them”.

The company makes several styles. They even make baby ones! LOVE!

Birdcage Umbrella – I cannot wait to get this! Do you know how many times I’ve walked into a pole while holding an umbrella (and without)? Lots. With this umbrella, I’ll not only be able to see where I’m going but I’ll also stay dry from that damn slanted rain. AND this is the umbrella made for the Queen of England. That’s classy enough for me. check it out here. P.S. They make them for kids too!

Wine Rack – Simply brilliant! This is a sports bra that has a bladder insider where you can keep your favorite beverage. The hose allows you to pour drinks or sip directly from it! And good news…they’re on sale right now! This would make a great gift for your flat chested BFF! Going up a boob size has never tasted so good! Get one here.

*I do need to point out that it looks like she had a boob job and the tube is a bloody drainage tube. Did I just kill the sale?

Pull My Finger Santa – Would it surprise you to know that we’ve had a PMF Santa for years? While other famlies kick off their Christmas with the lighting of the tree, ours begins with the pulling of the finger. FAAARRT “Ho Ho Ho, Now that’s a stocking stuffer!” It’s a cherished family tradition. You can start your own PMF Santa tradition buy purchasing one here.

XL Wine Glass – OMG! This wine glass holds a WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE! A whole bottle! Do you know what this means? I can say “I only had one glass of wine last night” with a straight face. I have no more words. Get it here!

Squeezable Boob Creamer – C’mon, tell me you didn’t just spit out your coffee when you saw this! This would make a great gift for…um…um…someone in your mommy’s play group? The company suggests you buy two of them for a more realistic look. Get ’em here.

Time to pitch my own stuff…

Beaver Babies: A vagucational tool – Why explain the miracle of birth when you can simply toss this reversible vagina to your kids and walk away? Let Beaver Babies unravel the mystery for them.

Here’s what people are saying about Beaver Babies…

“Brilliant….but disturbing” Jamie Salvatori, owner of www.vat19.com

“That’s what happens when you cross my creativity with your father’s sick sense of humor” Linda, my mother

“What the hell have you done?!” Brian, my exasperated husband

“Where’s the other slipper?” Ana, age 3

This also makes a great gift for the mother-to-be. Each Beaver Baby can be either a girl or boy, and customized to match your skin tone and hair color (including pubic). Read more about Beaver Babies and enter a giveawayhere.

To place an order or to receive a free crappy tutorial, contact me at kim@oneclassymotha.com.

To Bliss and Back (Life Well Blogged) by Abbey Fatica & Monica Merrill-Mylet

I AM IN THIS BOOK! Isn’t that reason enough to rush out and buy it? no? ok, bitch. Then how about this:

To Bliss And Back explores the hilarity that we all experience when confronted with the ups and downs of relationships and marriage. Join the thousands of readers that enjoy these stories posted by the titans of the blogging industry on a daily basis. What could be better than a personal time-out to read and wrap yourself in laughter this season?

Buy one for you, your mother, your BFF, and the lady that waxes your hooha. You can read more about the book and purchase it here. Or do you want to win one?!!!!

GIVEAWAY – I’ll be giving away an ebook to a lucky lucky reader! All you have to do is leave a comment and you’ll be entered into a random drawing! The drawing will take place on Thursday, because I really don’t have any plans that day.

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In the meantime, if you find any “OMG! I sooo need to get this for someone”, leave a comment below with a link to the site so I can buy it or pimp it out on my pinterest board.

Now go out there and make me proud by buying some crazy shit!

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