First Day of Preschool! Free At Last! (for 3 hrs)

September 6, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

First Day, no jitters.

Today was Ana’s first day of preschool and we were both so excited we peed our pants, twice. Don’t worry, we were wearing princess pull-ups. The whole 1/2 mile ride to school she kept saying “Are we there yet? This is taking forever!” I had to agree, the ride was excruciatingly long. But to help pass the time I made a mental list of all the things I can do between the hours of 9am and 12pm, without a 3yr old.

The list was something like this:
1. Get a mani/pedi

2. Pity other mothers battling with small children.

3. Sit and shit in silence (I’d take either really)

4. Concentrate on anything

5.Get a pap smear

6. Get a 30 min shower (because I can, not because I’m that dirty)

7. Watch Jerry Springer (is that still on?)

8. Walk past toy aisles

9. Not be referred to as “Poopy Stinkybutt” or “Pooper Buttstink” in public (her new nicknames for me)

10. Curse out loud and often

11. Not be someone’s bitch

12. Not have to use this god awful impossible-to-maneuver grocery cart.

The bane of my existence.

13. Write without having to stop and tell someone to put their clothes back on.

When we got there, she ran inside and barely gave me a second glance. Most mothers would have been hurt but I was just fine. She’s confident and she apparently has her own mental list of things she can do without me between the hours of 9am and 12pm.  I don’t blame her, I can be a drag with all of the “let the cat out of the cabinet” and “get your finger out of your butt” demands.
The first thing I did, which I didn’t want to do, was exercise at the gym. Normally I would have headed to the nail salon but I really need to work off those summer margaritas and nachos. However, I had big plans for after my class. Big, big plans. (I was going to wander around Marshall’s)

As I was leaving the gym, I stopped in the bathroom. And, ugh. I unexpectedly got my Aunt Flo. Frantically searching my purse, I thought I saw a tampon- turns out it was a cheese stick. Right shape, wrong absorbency. So I had to go all the way back home.  Once I got home I decided to eat an omelette for breakfast and chocolate chips for an after breakfast dessert. Yes, I worked out then I ate like a pig, because a day without self sabotage is…well,somebody else’s day.
There’s always tomorrow.

If you liked this then you’ll really appreciate these parenting tips!

2 Comments Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Kimvention – Another Problem Solved!

September 5, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

As some of you know, I have an on-going struggle with wine stains behind my front teeth. In the previous post, “I Should Be Offended“, I mentioned the industrial “Descaler” tool that my OCD hygienist has started using at every visit. In an attempt to avoid a continuous loss of enamel until my teeth are transparent, I’ve devised a Kimvention.

A Kimvention (not to be confused with a Kim Intervention) is defined as:

a ridiculous and completely unmarketable idea that I come up with that people would never buy but one that I would use everyday because I’m the only one with the stupid problem. Kimvention. (a run-on sentence was necessary)

This one is good!

I’ve commissioned an artist (my dentist) to cast a mold of my mouth in order to make BPA-free customized trays that I can wear over my teeth while drinking red wine. I use it with a straw as a second line of defense. Two weeks and $5,000 later…

 

Patent Pending

Using my molds to show you how it works (because I couldn’t drink the wine and hold the camera):

 

mmm…my teeth have never felt safer

I call them L.U.S.H.! Teeth Protectors (Lose Ugly Stains Homie!).

My tagline is: Like a condom for your teeth, never get impregnated with stain again!

I wear them while drinking wine in bed, at restaurants, happy hour, etc. They’re clear and hardly noticeable so I can wear them practically everywhere wine is served! Sure, they give my drink the flavor of balloons soaked in ass but my hygienist, and my teeth, will thank me at my next appointment.

Seeing as how Brian’s birthday is coming up, as a surprise I’ve decided to make him customized trays for his stain issue (oh yeah, he’s got a monkey on his back too). I took a mold of his mouth while he was sleeping (It’s easier than it sounds because he sleeps with his mouth open), dropped it off at my dentist, and got them back today. I’m thrilled with the results and I can’t wait to give them to him!

White teeth are so sexy on a man!

Here’s something interesting…his cast is so much smaller than mine. So my mouth is really bigger than his. I would have never guessed.

Mine is on top. I guess I do have the bigger mouth:(

Get your L.U.S.H.! today. Rush shipment available.

*by the way, drop me a line if you need a kimvention idea – I’m really good at it.

 

Leave a Comment Filed Under: Kimvention Tagged With: , ,

Tips for Tuesday! Recycling Bin – No More Shame!

September 4, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

I purposely avoid my recycling guy by scurrying  inside when he pulls up. He’s the only person who knows exactly how many pop tarts, margarita mixes, and bottles of wine we go through each week. Basically, all of our bad choices are laid out on the curb for this man and I’m convinced he’s judging us. Not to mention the nosey neighbors, like me, on their morning walk. They probably think I’m a pill bottle and cigarette carton away from some sort of intervention.

Now, on the other hand, I’m cool with our trash man.  He blissfully has no clue what I have in the big lidded can. It could be full of either decomposing bodies or chewed up Rainbow Skittles, either way it doesn’t matter. So today’s tip is going to focus on various ways to disguise your recycling bin contents.

Today’s motto: Look like a better person without actually being one.

Before I begin, half of you are probably asking yourself “Why not just switch your recycling bin with the neighbor’s?” Well, I like your thinking but there are two issues with this:

1. This requires you to have neighbors with recycling bin materials such as, 50% post consumer toilet paper boxes, free range egg cartons, and Fair Trade Coffee canisters. Most of us aren’t fortunate enough to have a non-drinking, composting, organic-eating vegetarian next door.

2.  I havn’t been able to properly time this without being caught.  If you attempt the switch, I highly recommend having a long convoluted story ready.

The other half of you are wondering why I just don’t put my embarrassing recyclables in the regular trash can and call it a day.  To you I say, “Mother Earth killer!”

So here are some tips:
1. Blanket Your Blunders – Use Trader Joe’s and Whole Food brown bags to lay on top of your shameful items. Now if you don’t have one of these bags (which I’m assuming you don’t or you wouldn’t be reading this) you can use one of your many “Wine-N-More” bags by turning it inside out and writing the word “ORGANIC” in black sharpie.  Be sure to use your best handwriting or it may mistakenly be read as “ORGANS” or “ORGASM” and that would totally defeat the point.

2. Nesting Trash Method – This involves nesting your trash like those cute little stacking Russian dolls.  Let me give you an example from my last week’s trash…

beer bottle (inside of) poptart box (inside of) industrial chocolate chip bag (inside of) potato chip bag (inside of) pizza box (inside of) extra large dog food bag.   See how that ended with only the respectable item in view?

3. Vases Not Bottles – Before depositing liquor bottles in the bin, just remove their labels and put dead flowers in them. It says, “What? I’m recycling my vases, jeez.”

* I’m so excited by this new tequila bottle I bought that really is going to be used for a vase later!

4. Got Milk? -Cover bottles with organic milk containers. In fact, this is why I buy organic milk.  Simply cut the container in half, insert your wine or beer bottle, then place the top half back on. This also works well with Orange juice containers made from 100% Natural Florida Oranges.

I hope these tips have helped you. By the way there are some things that you should NEVER attempt to recycle despite them having that little triangle thingy on the bottom- things like, tampons, paternity tests, or Weight Watcher dinners .  Let me know if you have any clever ways of concealing your bad habits, I’d love to use them!

 

Leave a Comment Filed Under: Tips Tagged With: , ,

Bloody Mary’s aren’t just for breakfast anymore!

September 3, 2012 Written by One Classy Motha

On Saturday my husband was setting up to bake his famous Chocolate Fantasy Cake for our neighborhood block party and unfortunately this required him to enter the “Cabinet Of Death”. Everything in this deep island cabinet is balanced on either a lime juicer or a spaghetti strainer (it’s my hidden talent). I have lazily rigged more booby traps than a Raiders of the Lost Ark movie, minus the snakes and human skulls but probably with just as many spiders.

I could hear pans crashing to the floor, curses flying, and the occasional passive aggressive comment about my housekeeping skills (mostly unfounded). I was trying to ignore it but it got to me. Damn it. But I had to admit that cleaning out that cabinet would feel good…I love throwing things out, though mostly other people’s things.

I shut the computer and carefully emptied the whole mess on to the floor. After sorting through everything it occurred to me that in order to put things back in an organized manner I’d have to clean out Cabinet Of Death #2 (we have 3 of them). It became a scary domino effect. You see, COD2 is even taller and deeper than COD1, so this was not a task to be taken lightly. In fact, Brian suggested that I clear my schedule and double check out our insurance deductible before beginning. I love a challenge, this was gonna get done!

Going through the cabinet was like going back in time. The front of the shelves held things that we currently use but the farther back I went the more memories I found. There was pea puree baby food that I think might be from our first child (he’s 8 now), biscotti I bought for a very special Easter brunch 2 years ago (I kept this- biscotti feels hard and stale no matter when you eat it), a broken Thomas the Train Christmas ornament that I meant to glue 4 years ago, and more, much more. But my most treasured find was a little red box that contained my grandmother’s favorite recipes. I opened it up and saw a variety of cookie cutters and a handful of recipes that I couldn’t wait to read. Notice I didn’t say “couldn’t wait to cook”. I don’t often cook.  It’s not that I can’t, it’s just that cooking is a huge time and cleaning investment with little return. We eat out a lot.

Anyway, when I read the top recipe I thought to myself, “Now this I can make!”. I’m going to share this fabulous recipe with you now…

Recipe: Cherry Tomatoes (vague, I know)

Ingredients:

cherry tomatoes

vodka

kosher salt

(that’s it!)

I was excited because I had most of the ingredients except the tomatoes and kosher salt unless I substituted with limes and margarita salt.

Steps:

1. Blanch tomatoes, put in cold water and skin them (sounds like bitch to do, aka time consuming)

2. Chill vodka (already done Granny)

3. Soak tomatoes in vodka then dip in kosher salt

4. Voila, lick your fingers and ask for I.D. before serving.(ok, I added that).

The best part of the recipe is the last line “These are used as hors d’oeuvres”. Without that clarification I can understand how one might confuse these with a cocktail. Oh, and if you’re having guests over for the first time, make sure to light your breath on fire after each one- it’s quite impressive and they’ll be talking about it for weeks!

My grandmom must have had some kick ass Bridge nights!

In case you think I’m making it up, here’s a pic. Notice that the top of the card says “Favorite Recipe”. Mine too!

*By the way, I was totally kidding about keeping the biscotti.  If you ever eat it at my house it’s fresh…but you prob couldn’t tell the difference anyway.

Do NOT serve these at an AA meeting.

Leave a Comment Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »
Follow

Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: