Dear Kim,

As the mother of two girl children, Miriam and Isadora, aged four and six respectively, I have some concerns about their personal gender identities. Miriam more so than Isadora.

About a year ago, Miriam began to show an interest in wearing boys clothing. She had discovered a pair of shorts on a dust mite infested Alf doll in my sister’s old bedroom. The shorts, which Miriam promptly stripped from Alf’s gender neutral lower half, were blue and decorated with hot air balloons. By her excitement one would think she had just found authentic vintage Chanel at a thrift store. After adding her personal touch of a rusty safety pin to ensure the shorts would stay on her scrawny three-year-old behind, she was ready for the runway.

The shorts didn’t seem to be a problem, until she started pairing them with muck boots bearing the faces of horses. She then added a hockey mask and a camel back hydration pack. The denouement was when she acquired some boys shirts she carefully selected from a garage sale. Miriam had officially crossed over (like my pun?) into the territory popularly known as cross dressing.

As a mom who is quite liberal with her children’s clothing choices I didn’t mind this at first. I had decided that allowing the children to dress as they wish, no matter how ridiculous, during their pre-pubescent years might avoid any rebellious gothic interests when they become teenagers. It was actually quite humorous. Especially when Miriam would roll down the car window and wave at other motorists wearing her hockey mask.

This past December Miriam wanted her beautiful, ass-length, curly blonde hair to be cut. Her only request? To look like Willy Wonka, the “new one”.

Recently, Isadora has proven to be quite the enabler of Miriam’s gender uncertainty. Her method is rather devious, encouraging Miriam to start styling her Ken dolls in women’s (Barbie) outfits. While I will always love my children regardless of the lifestyle choices they may or may not make in the future, I’m curious if you think I should address this situation with some professional advice.

After this lengthy back story, Kim, I choose to ask you. Your advice, while questionable, proves to be much more realistic and hilarious than the mumbo jumbo I would receive from a therapist named Dr. Sphincter. Can you help?

Sincerely,

Confused mom of confused kids

Dear Coni,

First, I’d like to say “Thank You” for your shaky belief in my ability to give questionable advice. Compliments like that are rare, and they remind me that I’m truly helping those in my community…or harming them. Either way, I’m making a difference!

As for your children, I understand your concern, but I believe in letting kids express themselves even if it’s uncomfortable for us, the parents. I find that this parenting ideology really embraces the “path of least resistance” & “confrontation avoidance” lifestyle that I prefer to live. I just pray that my kids don’t do anything too ridiculous, requiring me to actually get involved. Fingers crossed!

However, Coni, if the cross dressing thing really bothers you and you’d rather not wait for this phase to pass, then I have the solution for you!

Step 1– Throw out all of her clothes.

Step 2– Help her design her own dresses!

Step 3– Watch as your little darling *expresses herself in some awesome girly digs! (*or becomes scarred for life)

After all, what girl doesn’t want to wear something she’s made? You can even use items from around the house! And no sewing required!

Here, take a look at some of Ana’s latest fashions:

Day Wear

This first look says “Screw you, Mom”

She’s well dressed AND well read. “You go girl!”

Tip: When using newspaper, I recommend staying away from the obituary section. While wearing black is fashionable, wearing death is not.

Formal Occasions

“Whooo let the dogs out?!?!”

Not my little diva, she can barely shuffle to the door in her Pop-Tart shoes!

Swimwear

“From Trash to Sass!”

Your “litter” one will look totally adorbs in this one-piece by Hefty.

Tip: Do NOT use the black Lawn & Garden Bags. They really hold in the heat.

Let me know if you’d like any of our dress patterns mailed to you. But just so you’re aware, we made them by laying down several cereal boxes and cutting around Ana’s outstretched body, so you’ll need to piece them back together like a puzzle…like a really weird pee stained puzzle.

Coni, I realize my solution isn’t for everyone (mostly the bold and bored) but I hope I was able to help you and your girls or, at a minimum, not harm anyone.

Good luck!

Kim

Like my advice? I’ll love you forever and ever if you click the banner below…you do want my love, right?