Dear Kim,

Please help! Recently, my son had dental work. Therefore, it was “liquid, to soft, to regular diet as tolerated”. Well, after Day 1 he developed strep throat sooo it was back to liquids or whatever I could get him to eat. I was literally spoon feeding him chocolate ice cream! His temp was 103.4. Poor baby! Right?!?!

Well, Kim, now the fever has broken..thank goodness!! However it’s Day 5 and he still wants ME to help him eat, he says he cannot eat solids because it hurts?!?!

Help!
Nursemaid in Nebraska

PS. He is 6 years old!!

Dear Nursemaid,

Answer me this…is he at least wiping his own ass?

So your little darling insists that you hand feed him like he’s a baby bird. Well lucky for you, I happen to have second-hand experience with such matters, and second-experience is almost always better than third-hand experience.

Nursemaid, when I was in 7th grade I had this friend named Karen. I really liked Karen and her large family, until the day they took me on a 5 hour bike ride, uphill, in the middle of July, because that was their stupid idea of family fun. “What’s wrong with bowling?” I asked. Sadly, when 8th grade started, we were no longer friends. Turns out, 20 miles of sweating and sticking to a plastic banana seat is my friendship tipping point. Who knew?

Anyway, one Spring afternoon, Karen’s sister found a baby bird laying in the middle of their yard. She quickly brought it in and convinced her entire family that they had to raise it and teach it to fly. Like bats out of hell, they all hopped on their ten speeds and rode to the neighboring town library- which was about 10 miles away. Freaks. At dusk, they returned home with 50 million books, including, “Raising Wild Animals!” by Ura Phool and “Regurgitating for Dummies” by Ima Bryd.

For weeks, they hand fed that baby bird ridiculous milkshakes made from peanut butter, chicken (which still doesn’t seem right to me), and jelly beans. I think the books they borrowed from the library were being used to hold open a door or something.

One day, a neighbor told them that they had to start giving the bird real food, food that he would normally eat in the wild. Otherwise, there’s no way he’d survive on his own as an adult. And so they did.

That bird ate those crappy seeds and nuts, only because it’s all that was offered. But he was PISSED! And everyone knew he was pissed because he started doing mean stuff like, shitting on their lawn chairs, biting them at meal time, and hoarding things in his nest. He hoarded strange things too, things like small pool toys, hair accessories, acorns, and Kotex pantyliners which were often stuck to his furry brown tail. Now that I think about it…he might have been a flying squirrel.

Yes, he was definitely a flying squirrel.

Nursemaid, bird or flying squirrel, my advice is the same:

1. Remove all of his favorite liquid and soft foods from the house.

2. Purchase all of his favorite solid foods.

3. Offer to *regurgitate them.

*I’m told that regurgitating on demand is difficult, not to mention hell on your esophagus. Instead, simply chew up his food then spit it out on his plate for consumption.

By following the above steps, I have no doubt that his throat will start to feel better almost immediately!

Sincerely sorry for you,

Kim

Like my advice? I’ll love you forever and ever if you click the banner below…you do want my love, right?