Free Advice Friday – Your period and you.

January 18, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I suffer from horrible periods. They make me miserable! I feel fat, ugly, and I’m just really depressed for about a week every month. Do you have any suggestions?

Florence in Vaginaton, VA

Dear Flo,

You’ve come to the right place for help. About 6 years ago, I was a PMS/Menses counselor. I bet you’ve never heard of a PMS/Menses counselor before, I hadn’t either prior to opening my business, PMS-R-Us, (Preventing Mental Shittiness).

Initially, I had trouble getting my name out there and locating potential clients. But then I began sprinkling my cards around tampon aisles, candy aisles, and in liquor stores like they were confetti. The response from the menstruating community was immediate and intense (bitches be batty!).

Sadly, my business was only open for 3 weeks. I started the day after my period, determined to help other women in my situation, and quit 21 days later because everyone was getting on my GODDAMN nerves.

But lucky for you Flo, I’m in a better mood today, and I do have some tips:

– Stock your closet with a week’s worth of clothes that are two sizes too big. They’ll either fit that week or make you feel really skinny. Either way you win.

– Throw out your digital scale and purchase the kind with the dial. At the onset of PMS you’ll need to ask your husband or significant other to turn the dial back 5-10 pounds. If he asks which, say “surprise me”. If he’s any kind of man he’ll turn it back 15lbs.

And Flo, here’s the most important thing you can do…

– Make yourself a tampon crown. You read that right. Every month I make myself a tampon crown, and by doing so, I turn my crappiness into a “Celebration of my Womanhood” and “I’m Not Pregnant Again!” ceremony. I dub myself, Queen Menses!

Here’s how you too can be the queen of your menses:

Queenmenses

Materials:

An empty tampon box (not regular, you want Super because you’re Super. According to my awful periods, I’m Super Plus)
5 tampons
Tape
Scissors
1 News Years Eve hat

Instructions:

1. Cut the box open and cut all the flaps off. Measure it around your hat and cut it to size.

2. Flip the box over and draw an outline of your crown, giving it 5 peaks of staggering height. Do NOT draw on the front because you will enviably screw up. Trust me, you don’t want to look in the mirror and have your crown be a reminder of  your life’s failures.

3. Cut your crown out.

4. Tape your paper crown to your New Years Eve hat. Tape a tampon to each peak. String up or string down, your crown, your choice.

5. When your crown is finished, set it on a pillow of silk, satin, or fur for maximum effect.

I prefer fur, it ties in nicely with the whole pubes thing.

5. Create a ceremony and have someone present the crown to you, addressing you as Queen Menses. Feel free to personalize this ceremony. I like to have my husband do this as I’m seated in an over-sized arm chair and drinking a chocolate martini. I hold a toilet plunger as my scepter.

6. After being crowned, dance around the room singing “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story. I don’t really know the words (I think I mix it with Zippidy Do Da) but the chorus is all I really care about.

Flo, I hope I’ve given you some ideas to counter your shittiness. Please take a picture of you wearing your crown and send it to me…it makes me feel less alone in my craziness.

Yours in menses,

Kim

6 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday, Uncategorized

CAPTCHA can kiss my ass!

January 16, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

It just occurred to me that while I shared this picture with those following me on twitter and my friends on Facebook, I did not share it on my blog. For shame Kim, for shame. It’s too funny not to post.

______________________

Ok, so I’m leaving a comment on someone’s blog but in order for it to go through I have to enter a series of blurry numbers and random swirly letters- also known as Captcha. I. Hate. Captcha. I couldn’t make out the letters or numbers for the life of me, and every time I got it wrong it would give me another impossible one to decipher.

This is how it went:

1st try: Computer “WRONG” Me “Damn it”

2nd try: Computer “WRONG” Me “Screw you!”

3rd try: Computer “WRONG” Me “Son of a bitch!”

4th try: Computer “WRONG” Me “Kiss my ass!”

5th try: Computer…

I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like the computer’s response was random. That’s bullshit.

8 Comments Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

Tips for Tuesday- A “Never” list for you to print out.

January 15, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Last night, I reflected on some of the “Never” things that I’ve learned in 2012.  I’ve decided to compile a list for you, a tip sheet if you will, that you can print out and stick in your wallet or put on your fridge. Now these tips aren’t bullshit tips like “never put a fork in the microwave”, you should really know that by now.  No, these are things that you probably had no clue about. I wish I had this list a year ago:(

I’ve already written about many of these, and I’ll link them to the corresponding posts so you can gain a little more insight if you’d like.  Others, I may or may not write about in the future, it depends upon how badly I want to forget they every happened.

So memorize this list and never screw up again!  Oh, and I’ve attached the Chicken Breast post at the end for you to read, because if I can prevent just one dinner tragedy from happening then I’ve done my job. Yeah, not really.

 

2012 Never List

Never apply crazy glue to cotton or wool (Boom! combustion)

Never shake a can of shellac (thanks Amy)

Never use a magic sponge eraser to wash your car, it removes your paint.

Never haphazardly apply Nair.

Never get a spray tan during a rainstorm, you will look like a tan zebra.

Never, if your foot is asleep, walk behind a handicap person who’s using crutches.   You’ll be limping and dragging your foot and it’ll be assumed that you are mocking them.

Never throw runny dog crap into a bush.  Some of the crap will slide off of the branches, causing the branches to snap back and fling the remaining poop back at you.

Never feed petting zoo animals directly from your mouth while at the State Fair because it’s against their rules.

Never bury a hermit crab unless you are absolutely sure it’s dead and not just molting.

Never buy chickens to raise in your spare bedroom for the purpose of egg production.  It doesn’t make economical sense.

Never cut a red wire. Just don’t.

Never forget your child in the gym daycare, write it on your hand!

Never use your car to flatten chicken breasts no matter how much quicker you think it’ll be. (see below)

_____________________

I was developing a Tip for Tuesday that didn’t go quite as planned. Wait- that was an understatement, it went horribly wrong. But because I believe one can learn from both success and failure equally, I will share my embarrassment with you.

Consider this a “Don’t try this” Tip for Tuesday.

I was making a delicious chicken dish that I have made several times before. The recipe requires me to pound my chicken breast to 1/8 of an inch thick. If you’ve done this before you know what a bitch this can be.  Ten minutes and one numb hand later,  I managed to get only 1 flattened. I still had 6 more to go. I thought surely there must be an easier way. And as a think-outside-the-box kinda girl, I thought I had the most brilliant idea ever! (spoiler alert- I was wrong)

Here are the steps I took:

1. Place chicken breasts between two large pieces of wax paper.

2. Carefully slide the breasts into a garbage bag, then double bag with another garbage bag.

“Why can’t you be like other mothers?”

3. Keeping the trash bag o’ chicken horizontal, slide it onto a cookie sheet and transport outside.

4. Place the garbage bag on the ground in front of your car wheel, removing the cookie sheet.

5. Gently roll over the bag with your car while asking your kids if you’re “on it yet’. forward, reverse, forward, reverse, etc.

6. Sadly hear the bag pop  and watch chicken breasts fly onto the driveway.

7. Place chicken breasts in the trash with the dog’s poop bag (because he crapped when he heard the pop).

8. Order pizza

I would have never mentioned this to Brian but I accidentally left the cookie sheet in the driveway and he demanded an explanation. Plus, Collin taped the whole thing on his iTouch to show his friends. He called it a “FAIL”.

I hope my experience prevents you from making the same mistake (because you know you would have tried it eventually).

 

 

19 Comments Filed Under: Tips, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

Free Advice Friday – Leaky bladder? I got you covered!

January 11, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

peewithglee

 

Dear Kim,

When I read your blog I laugh so hard that I pee my pants. In Fact, I pee my pants almost every time I laugh and it’s embarrassing. Do you have any advice?

Pees With Glee,   Urineville, FL

 

Dear Pee,

Do you mind if I call you Pee? I was so flattered to hear that my blog makes you laugh so hard that you pee your pants, but then you added the part about you peeing at anything- basically you gave me a compliment then took it away. That was pretty insensitive. But because I’m such a great person, I’ll help you with your situation anyway.

I too suffer from laughter incontinence…also coughing incontinence, sneezing incontinence, and flatulence.  But I’m not going to address the latter.

A little about me. My incontinence developed shortly after giving birth to my son. He was 3 weeks late and about the height and weight of a very small man. When he vacated my womb he wore a Member’s Only jacket, looked around for his luggage, and walked out of the delivery room complaining of cramped traveling quarters.  I was really pissed considering he had just spent the last two weeks punching my bladder like a “to the death” cage match. Ungrateful SOB.

Needless to say, my bladder was never the same after that. In fact, having that baby changed the course of my life forever, it ended my career as a professional Trampolinist (Gasp!). That’s right Pee, I had my sights set on the 2008 summer Olympics and I believe I would have brought home the Gold! Sadly, I was told I couldn’t participate because the adult diapers I wore while “tramping” were considered a violation of the team’s regulation uniform. Apparently, the outline of the Depends through my unitard proved too much of a distraction for the judges.  I tried suggesting that I wear a “Heavy Flow” Maxi Pad as a compromise. They refused my appeal but granted me permission to continue competing on the amateur circuit. Amateur?! Ha!

“No thank you, Team USA. You’ll hear from my lawyer!”

Back to you Pee- there are really only a few suggestions I can offer:

1. Depends or Maxi Pads as previously mentioned. Though I don’t recommend you wear them swimming. I did this once and blew up like a provoked Puffer fish. And they’ll cause the leg holes on your bathing suit to sag open when you exit the pool. Embarrassing.

2. Cross your legs and hold your vajayjay. This works for my daughter but I don’t think it would be socially acceptable among your friends and family. If it is, then you need new friends and to put a respectable distance between you and your family.

3. Whenever you’re about to laugh think of something sad to counter it. I think about grape crops dying or fires in the desert destroying all the Agave plants or dogs that are forced to wear doggie rain boots. Wait, strike that last one…thinking about those dogs trying to walk in those stupid boots just made me laugh.

4. Urinate every 5 minutes. An empty bladder is a safe bladder. I have a friend that keeps a Princess Potty in her minivan at all times – and it plays “Zippity Do Da” while you pee. But she recommends emptying it before you drive off, when the pee sloshes around the music keeps playing.  You can only hear so much “Zippity Do Da” before you’ll want to back your car into a lightpost just to SHUT IT UP.

 

5. Just pee! There is nothing more rewarding than saying something funny then watching the urine pour down your friend’s leg. It’s truly a compliment and a bonding moment for you both. Just carry extra clothes in your purse.

Pee, I hope I was able to give you some worthwhile advice. Check in with me soon and let me know how things are going. And remember…with me, urine good hands! (oh shit, I think I just peed a little on that one)

Sincerely,

Kim

 

Dear Kim,

I was wondering if you could give me some healthy and tasty dinner ideas for my family.

Thank you, Beth in Farkletown, NY

 

Dear Beth,

Um, what? Have you even read my blog? But I’m here to help, right?…try www.idontknowwhyyouareaskingmethis.com

Bon appetite,

Kim

7 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »
Follow

Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: