پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

Dysfunctional traditions are still traditions.

I was cleaning out my inbox when I came across this email to my Aunt from a couple years ago. Here’s an excerpt:

Hi there and Happy New Years! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! I wanted to thank you both for your kind words about Collin and Ana’s pics.

We all had a great Christmas with one exception (which is the same exception every year)…Mr. Bojangles. Here’s the problem, every Christmas Brian buys his mother expensive Godiva Truffles and every Christmas Eve the dog finds and eats all 18 of them. Every. Damn. Christmas.

The scene that plays out is always the same:

1. Brian yells at the dog for being so stupid.
2. He pulls out the Godiva receipt and calculates how much money Bo just cost him.
3. He utters the phrases,  “Just who do you think you are?”  “I’m calling the SPCA to come get you!” and my favorite…

“I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”

*which is ridiculous because, while he does appear to have my blue eyes and Brian’s dark hair, he is not biologically ours.

As he’s going through his tirade and grimacing like he’s taking a painful crap, I’m setting up my cleaning products. And while everyone is peacefully sleeping on Christmas Eve I’m cussing and cleaning up, what can only be described in both smell and color as hot cocoa vomit. I call it….hot “Bo”coa. I swear to god it smells exactly like hot chocolate which makes me feel so confused and conflicted. One minute I want to puke and the next I’m looking for marshmallows.

I have to admit that over the years I have become resigned to this and have even begun to consider it another cherished family tradition.

I go on to write about our kids, parents, blah, blah blah. The point is this…

After reading this it occurred to me that we didn’t buy truffles this year, hence no hot “bo”coa.  Though he did have diarrhea, so there’s always that. I know I should be ecstatic that he didn’t vomit, but it sorta saddened me that another holiday tradition has disappeared.

I worry about the loss of other traditions like, my holiday zit, Christmas parties where I make an ass out of myself, and losing my credit cards at least twice while shopping. These are the unwelcome traditions of our family but they are expected, dealt with, and then laughed about. No matter how dysfunctional, when they’re gone something seems amiss.

P.S. Don’t worry, the zit is still making an appearance.

P.P.S. I also realized that our dog requires more maintenance and bodily fluid clean up than our children.

What dysfunctional tradition does your family have?

Mr. Bojangles May Be a National Star!!!

I have some exciting news, Mr. Bojangles has an opportunity to star in a national TV commercial!  This is the email I received…

They must have heard of his talents through my letter to our local bank, WSFS. Or maybe it’s because we’ve purchased a shitload of fish oil tablets from them and they expect his coat will radiate under the camera lights.  In truth, the fish oil tablets were for us…what? they have better prices than Vitamin World.

Brian says that I’m being ridiculous and that they probably sent this email out to everyone.  To that I say, “It must suck to be so pessimistic”.

Anyway, before entering Mr. B, I wanted to take a look at his competition.  Here are a few entries:

Hi! I’m Oates! I am curious, a little bit sneaky and full of energy, but I’m always game for a cozy snuggle session. Vote for me!

Oates, I’ve got three words for you…Pre. dict. able.

Love getting gifts in the mail from PetMeds…

Nice sucking up. I’m sure that strategy will pay off. (psst, it’s customers voting, not the CEO).

I’m blind but I can still see you daddy!

OMG, you’re going for the sympathy vote, really? “Papa, are you there?”

Why don’t you just add that he only has 1 month to live and his dying wish is to star in a 1-800-PetMeds Commercial?

What “Stage” do I report to? I’m here to shoot the commercial!!

Is that dog wearing bedazzled shoes? WTF? Don’t lower that car window lady, ’cause this dog’s looking to jump.

After sizing up the competitors, I decided Mr. Bojangles was a real contender.  So I stuck a bow tie on him, set up a professional photo shoot, and wrote an elegant introduction.  Then I remembered that I bought him in front of a Taco Bell for $49 and he sometimes shits on my rugs.  If Bo was going to win, I wanted him to do it by being himself.

Hello ladies, my name is Mr.Bojangles.  In my free time I enjoy rolling in deer poo, drinking from the toilet, and nights out at the Litter Box Sushi Bar.  When I’m not busy crapping on area rugs, I can usually be found eating rolls of toilet paper and snacking on Halls mentho-lyptus cough drops.

If I win, a portion of my winnings will go towards establishing a Non-profit organization that supports sufferers of PTNS (Post Traumatic Neutering Syndrome), it will be called Paws Without Balls.  Our mission will be to provide counseling and, in some cases, reconstructive surgery for suffering canines in the Tri-State area.

A vote for me is a vote for compassion and testicular love (in the Tri-State Area).

Now I know you’re all excited to vote, but voting doesn’t actually open until November 29th.  Don’t fret, I’ll send out a reminder on that date, along with the voting link for Mr. Bojangles.

Our family truly appreciates your support!

Poetry Corner with Mr. Bojangles

Good Morning by Mr. Bojangles

 

I like to start my  morning

with a long awaited crap,

then roll around in deer poo

til it’s smeared down my back.

 

I wriggle in that stank shit

until I hear my momma yell

“God dammit Mr. B,

you’re going to doggy hell!”

 

She pushes me in the shower

’cause I’m way too fat to lift

my furry ass gets lathered

as I raise my leg to piss.

 

After my hair is styled

we head down to the kitchen

She’s getting on my nerves

jeez lady, quit your bitching!

 

The kid has got a pop tart

and it’s sitting in a bowl

I take it when she looks away

ha ha ha ha, asshole!

 

Everyone is screaming

while I’m scarfing on my treat

I look at them like, WTF?!

Can’t you see I’m trying to eat?

 

My momma gives her another one

so I steal that pop tart too

Man, this kid’s an easy mark

she hasn’t got a clue!

 

I’m escorted behind the baby gate

and on this side it’s quite boring

I know…I’ll bark incessantly

’cause it’s how I start my morning.

 

Ode to the Bone by Mr. Bojangles

Oh bone, rawhide bone

your marrow has me weak

for in your cartilage

my tongue does nest

and taste buds make me weep.

 

Some would urge

to have you buried

but in my mouth you’ll stay

and I will bite the god damn hand

that tries to take you away.

 

Oh bone, rawhide bone

my love for you is rich

shit, here comes the kid

that screws with me

“Grrrrrrrrrr

back off it bitch!”

A Letter to My Local Bank, on Behalf of my Dog

Dear WSFS,

Back in July I heard that you would be holding a Pet Contest during the month of September. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for my dog, Mr. Bojangles, to shine.

Over the last few years he’s worked really hard to totally transform himself from the inside out. He was once overweight and prone to bite Girl Scouts but now, through therapy and discipline, he’s slim, happy, and welcomes small children bearing Thin Mints.   One day I said to myself “He’s ready to debut the new Bojangles and leave his transgressions behind”. It was later that evening that I heard of your contest. Fate had delivered.

We began work immediately.  As a former Little Miss Delaware 1979, I’m familiar with the dedication and persistence it takes to win. And Mr. Bojangles, a working breed, was up for the challenge.

I made an appointment with the top groomer in town. I had Bo’s nails trimmed, his coat conditioned, and his anal glands expressed twice (once because he needed it and a second time because he seemed to enjoy it).

After that it was off to the stylist to pick out just the right looks for the swimwear, evening wear, and talent portion of the contest. It took furever (get it?) to find just the right blue to match his eyes.

For the past 4 weeks we have been working intensely on his talent. Initially I was going to have him sing “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dione (it’s a total tear jerker) but as it turns out, Mr. B is capable of only hearing high pitches, not singing them.

“…whereeever you arrree…”

So instead we decided to focus on something he’s naturally good at. It was his idea to walk onto the stage, impressively fill 5 water glasses with varying heights of urine, and then tap the tune  “God Bless America” using a spoon he’d hold in his mouth. He’s a very talented and ambitious dog but rehearsals have been a bit of a mess.

urineglasses

I estimate that we have easily invested hundreds of dollars and tens of hours into preparing for this contest. So you can imagine my shock and anger when I received the official rules and guidelines which basically stated “submit a lousy picture and we’ll let you know if your pet won in one of three categories, blah, blah, blah”.

Are you kidding me???  No talent competition, interviews, or opportunities to strike a pose? How are you able to determine which dog is the “Best in Show”, “Most Personality”, or “Best with Kids”  by a simple picture? Maybe that pic of him biting the Girl Scout will look like he’s giving her a real deep kiss and he could win the “Best With Kids” category. Ha! I’d love to see Troop 357’s reaction when I mail them a copy of that congratulatory letter!

I finally broke the news to Mr.Bojangles last night over Mai Tai’s.  At first, it didn’t quite register, then he appeared confused…

Come again?

Whatcha talking about Willis?

Finally it sunk in that he just wasted the past three months of his life (2 dog years) preparing for a 1 shot photo contest. We both knew that one submission of a dachshund  wearing a stupid hot dog costume could ruin everything he’s worked for. He lost it! He started tearing my couch cushion apart!

His anger was contagious!

I’ve never seen him like that, well except every Friday when the Fed-ex man delivers my Keurig K-cups.

Today he asked me to submit this photo of him in a grassy meadow (I didn’t want to do it but he insisted):

 

I got your ‘Best in Show’ right here!

Please notify us if he’s a winner.

Thank you,

Kim S.

www.oneclassymotha.com

 

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