Notes from Camp Cheapo – Day 4

August 12, 2012 by Leave a Comment
I warn you, this is mostly about body functions.

 

The day began very ominously with dark clouds, diarrhea, urine, and chafing (none of it mine)…all before my first cup of coffee (I average 3 per morning)…

 

To begin, Ana had chafing on her inner thigh from her pool vest worn on camp days 2 & 3 so she refused to wear underwear or pants. Instead, she walked around like a tiny cowboy with flesh tone chaps- bowlegged, pale butt, tan legs. And she swore she didn’t have to go potty (foreshadowing here people, pay attention).

 

I came downstairs to find that Mr. Bojangles (the dog) had a bout of diarrhea on my area rug. Why must it always be the area rug?!? He treats it like some goddamn indoor grass. What’s wrong with the hardwood?  Brian was mad, saying Bo must have eaten the leftover egg guts thrown at the trees on camp day 3. I disagreed. As the appointed “poopologist” in the house…what’s a poopologist you ask? Well, it’s like a person who reads tea leaves but instead of predicting the future I can determine what stupid shit you ate. Anyway, I argued that “if the eggs were in fact eaten, this poop (said while holding a magnifying glass and sounding like Sherlock Holmes) would smell like rotten eggs AND have remnants of eggshells. However, this poop has surprisingly little aroma and is…” (Brian’s about to spoon yogurt into his mouth…wait for it) “as smooth as yogurt.” Besides, we recently found out that we’ve been feeding our dog the worst dog food on the market. Supposedly it has something akin to chicken beaks, unicorn hoolves, and ground car parts in it. His stomach is plenty strong.

 

As I’m cleaning this up, naked Ana tells me she has to use the bathroom. I notice she has a funny look on her face that I can’t place. I tell her how proud I am that she’s using the potty. The face then changes to one I easily recognize- guilt. I retrace her footsteps ( it’s easy because they’re all wet) and find HUGE puddles in the sunroom. At least the cleaning products are out already.

 

I eat, drink coffee, then the kids have arrived. They are bummed because the approaching storm is keeping us from our whipped cream fight. However, we can still body paint in the garage. Yay!
 
I set out the tarp, paint, brushes, baby wipes, and away we go. Right away I am disturbed. I anticipated painting rainbows, hearts, and pirate faces. Instead I’m asked how to spell “slaughter”, to paint an arrow on an “I’m with stupid” chest, and my 3yr old is painting her whole body in black paint.
If i wasn’t already certain, I quickly realize this activity is going south when I see one child painting “LMFAO” on her arm.
We hose down. All the paints wash off easily except the red and black colors so, of course, “Man Slaughter”, “I’m with stupid”, and “LMFAO” are clearly legible. This is how they go home. We’ll see if their parents send them back tomorrow.
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Notes from Camp Cheapo – Day 3

August 12, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Today Camp Cheapo was scheduled for a field trip to Camp Just-As-Cheap (my friend Colleen’s house). However, I received a disturbing text that Camp Just-As-Cheap was under quarantine due to vomiting and other disturbing bodily functions. Plan B …

Fortunately my Camp Director, Events Coordinator, and Lead Counselor (me, me, and me) are skilled at developing plans on the fly. They also used to have great abs and perky boobs before son #1 came along (I have pics I can email). But I digress.
I quickly made a run to Walmart for supplies because, while Camp Cheapo is prepared mentally and emotionally, we are unprepared physically. Besides, I believe impulsivity and last minute bad product choices encourage creativity (What the can I use this crap for?), teach valuable life lessons, (i.e.. Plan better next time) and they seem to be a big hit with the kids.

After securing my provisions we got in line. Just so you know, 20 cans of whipped cream, 5 bags of gummy worms, 2 boxes of tampons, and a tarp raises a lot of eyebrows…even at Walmart.

I was suddenly self conscious and immediately felt misunderstood by the cashier. Every time he scanned a whipped cream can I was willing him to ask me what I was doing with everything (well, maybe not the tampons). Beep… beep…beep…nothing. Finally he looked up and said,”I’m going to IHOP tomorrow morning. They have better pancakes than Denny’s”. What??? Was this crazy talk a defense mechanism? Did I make him nervous? Was his brain on overload? What if I suddenly threw zip ties onto the conveyor belt- would he drop and curl into the fetal position? HE made ME nervous.
When I got home, children wearing goggles were pacing my driveway. I told them I’d be out at 1pm. They set their watches.
We began with the ol’ “fish the gummy worms from a plate of whipped cream with your hands behind your back” game. It was disgusting. I originally pictured foamy whipped cream covering their cute little faces. Instead I got gummy worms being spit onto my picnic table with strings of spittle connecting them to their owners. I wanted to puke.
Then we began the egg relay race. I remember this game from my childhood. You place an egg on a spoon and run down a lane and back, handing off to your partner. We played one round then the kids decided that breaking the eggs over their heads and throwing them at my trees was more entertaining.
On to water balloons. Again, an hour produced 12 useable balloons. Why do we keep making these?!?!? Finally, we went to the pool. On the way over we made the “I don’t know you and you don’t know me if you get in trouble” agreement. Another great day!
Tomorrow, body paint.
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Notes from Camp Cheapo – Day 2

August 12, 2012 by Leave a Comment

We began the day promptly at 12:38pm. The first activity was Bubble Bath Baby Pool.
 
I filled the baby pool with bubble bath foam and threw in some snakes for them to find (plastic, not real- c’mon people). I thought it was a deceivingly clever way for the kids to get a bath while they played. In fact, I don’t think they would have caught on if I hadn’t perched on the edge to shave my legs. Inappropriate? Maybe. But I refuse to apologize for being a fantastic multitasker. …

Next, a beautiful yellow & black butterfly landed on Camp Cheapo property.

It occurred to me that every camp needs a nature walk, so I pulled the kids out of the pool and we walked over to the butterfly, thereby constituting a nature walk.
 
I explained that it was a rare Costa Rican Tiger Butterfly called so because of its yellow & black markings. Then one child pointed out that tigers are orange & black. Then I pointed out that he was free to march his smart-ass back home to read more encyclopedias.

 

They were beginning to get rowdy so I told them that Santa had sent the butterfly here to make sure that they were all behaving, he was a “summer snitch”.They settled down.
 
Tip: always know your audience.
 
Of course, I know there’s no such thing as a Costa Rican Tiger Butterfly sent by Santa, but a good nature walk should be full of interesting fun facts.

 

Once the butterfly flew away we decided to have a water balloon fight. One hour and 100 balloons later we had 12 unpopped, useable water balloons. The fight lasted 2 minutes and that’s only because I instituted a “one balloon thrown at a time” rule.

 

 

We then packed it up and went to the neighborhood pool where I let the lifeguard yell at them while I pretended I was there alone. It was a great day!
 
Read Day 3 …help me
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Notes from Camp Cheapo – Day 1

August 12, 2012 by 6 Comments

In an attempt to curtail our household spending I opted not to send my kids to a real camp this week. The way I see it the money can be better spent on hair foils, manicures, and a much needed bikini wax or two. And to ease my guilt I decided to hold my own camp,- I mean jeez, we own a Slip N Slide and an assortment of bandaids, how hard can it be?

On Day 1 we started with an 11am camp meeting (Camp Cheapo starts late), made a run to Kmart for supplies (Camp Cheapo is unprepared- hey, we’re not the Boy Scouts), knocked on doors to recruit more campers (Camp Cheapo encourages last minute participation), then immediately broke our hose so we had to borrow the neighbor’s (Camp Cheapo is resourceful). The first activity (slip n slide) began at 2pm. I quickly concluded that using dish detergent to slick the surface is a bad idea.

Next we moved onto the Shaving Cream fight. Brian had warned me that it might burn their eyes. Nothing I could do about that but I did buy the Aloe version so at least it would soothe their impending sunburn.

While I was printing the words to Kumbaya,  Brian asked me if I had been drinking. Not yet.

 

Read Day 2, then feel sorry for me.

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