Dear Kim,

My husband and I are going to Mexico on our first “adults only” vacation since our kids were born. I’m so excited! I don’t even know what I should pack to make this a special and romantic trip. Do you have any advice?

Por Favor,

Judy

Dear Judy,

That’s wonderful! I believe that trips, without the children, are necessary for the preservation of the marital relationship. In fact, I used to advise my clients…wait…did I ever mention that I was a marriage counselor for a few weeks?

It was shortly after my WTF greeting card company folded, and I desperately needed some dough for my cat’s third anal cyst surgery. I thought to myself, “Sugar Lips (positive self talk), how can I get Mr. Bojangles to stop licking her ass?” and more importantly, “How am I going to pay for this surgery?”. Then it occurred to me, “I’m married, I have a Bachelors degree in psychology- why not be a marriage counselor?!”

Having just spent a shitload of money on business cards and letterhead for my greeting card company, I decided to name my practice “WTF Greetings Marriage Counseling”. Admittedly, the name created a bit of a buzz in our small Baptist community. And not the good kind of buzz. But I think it was my philosophy that eventually won over the church ladies: “Husbands, admit you’re wrong and you’ll both get along!”

Unfortunately, I believe it was my hours (MWF 2pm-3:45pm) that really killed my business. But hey, Guiding Light wasn’t going to watch itself.

I’m sorry Judy, I seem to have gone off topic. It happens.

Anyway, I’m not going to give you advice on what to pack, instead I’m going to give you advice on a few things NOT to pack. Trust me, this is going to save you embarrassment, money, and time. But mostly embarrassment.

1. Lavender scented bath salts– I don’t care if your pedicure lady swears it’s a “sexy aphrodisiac” for your hotel jacuzzi. Guess what, Xiaoling, customs thought your “sexy aphrodisiac” was a bag of sweet smelling cocaine and they were way too eager to see if I had more.

Riddle: What do customs and dentists have in common? Cavity searches, Xiaoling, cavity searches.

2. Sex toys & kinky lingerie – Whatever you’re into, keep that shit at home! And if you’re traveling internationally…forget it! They’ll open your suitcase in front of the whole plane and toss that crap around like it’s a damn Caesar salad, using “Judy’s lube” as the dressing. *traveler’s tip: hair conditioner and his electric toothbrush will do in a pinch.

3. Sneakers – Hahaha! Pahleeese! Your ass isn’t working out! Save the luggage space for a sombrero and some maracas.

4. A screwdriver– Don’t ask. just know mine was confiscated.

5. Sweet pics of your kids – Ugh. I guarantee, after 3 margaritas and a Kamikaze chaser, you’ll take one look at those “cherubs” in the photo and call home drunk. And during your drunken “I miz my baaabies” conversation, you’ll say something stupid like “Lawd knows, I didn’t mean to gets knocked up wid you, but I’m soooo glad I did!” Trust me, Judy, that phone call was nothing but a big fat therapy bill.

Judy, I hope you take my advice to heart. Remember, you can always buy something you forgot, but you can never forget anything you brought.

Adios!

Kim

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