Dear Kim,

When I read your blog I laugh so hard that I pee my pants. In Fact, I pee my pants almost every time I laugh and it’s embarrassing. Do you have any advice?

Pees With Glee,   Urineville, FL

Dear Pee,

Do you mind if I call you Pee? I was so flattered to hear that my blog makes you laugh so hard that you pee your pants, but then you added the part about you peeing at anything- basically you gave me a compliment then took it away. That was pretty insensitive. But because I’m such a great person, I’ll help you with your situation anyway.

I too suffer from laughter incontinence…also coughing incontinence, sneezing incontinence, and flatulence.  But I’m not going to address the latter.

A little about me. My incontinence developed shortly after giving birth to my son. He was 3 weeks late and about the height and weight of a very small man. When he vacated my womb he wore a Member’s Only jacket, looked around for his luggage, and walked out of the delivery room complaining of cramped traveling quarters.  I was really pissed considering he had just spent the last two weeks punching my bladder like a “to the death” cage match. Ungrateful SOB.

Needless to say, my bladder was never the same after that. In fact, having that baby changed the course of my life forever, it ended my career as a professional Trampolinist (Gasp!). That’s right Pee, I had my sights set on the 2008 summer Olympics and I believe I would have brought home the Gold! Sadly, I was told I couldn’t participate because the adult diapers I wore while “tramping” were considered a violation of the team’s regulation uniform. Apparently, the outline of the Depends through my unitard proved too much of a distraction for the judges.  I tried suggesting that I wear a “Heavy Flow” Maxi Pad as a compromise. They refused my appeal but granted me permission to continue competing on the amateur circuit. Amateur?! Ha!

“No thank you, Team USA. You’ll hear from my lawyer!”

Back to you Pee- there are really only a few suggestions I can offer:

1. Depends or Maxi Pads as previously mentioned. Though I don’t recommend you wear them swimming. I did this once and blew up like a provoked Puffer fish. And they’ll cause the leg holes on your bathing suit to sag open when you exit the pool. Embarrassing.

2. Cross your legs and hold your vajayjay. This works for my daughter but I don’t think it would be socially acceptable among your friends and family. If it is, then you need new friends and to put a respectable distance between you and your family.

3. Whenever you’re about to laugh think of something sad to counter it. I think about grape crops dying or fires in the desert destroying all the Agave plants or dogs that are forced to wear doggie rain boots. Wait, strike that last one…thinking about those dogs trying to walk in those stupid boots just made me laugh.

4. Urinate every 5 minutes. An empty bladder is a safe bladder. I have a friend that keeps a Princess Potty in her minivan at all times – and it plays “Zippity Do Da” while you pee. But she recommends emptying it before you drive off, when the pee sloshes around the music keeps playing.  You can only hear so much “Zippity Do Da” before you’ll want to back your car into a lightpost just to SHUT IT UP.

5. Just pee! There is nothing more rewarding than saying something funny then watching the urine pour down your friend’s leg. It’s truly a compliment and a bonding moment for you both. Just carry extra clothes in your purse.

Pee, I hope I was able to give you some worthwhile advice. Check in with me soon and let me know how things are going. And remember…with me, urine good hands! (oh shit, I think I just peed a little on that one)

Sincerely,

Kim

Dear Kim,

I was wondering if you could give me some healthy and tasty dinner ideas for my family.

Thank you, Beth in Farkletown, NY

Dear Beth,

Um, what? Have you even read my blog? But I’m here to help, right?…try www.idontknowwhyyouareaskingmethis.com

Bon appetite,

Kim