As you may have guessed by my haphazard posting times, all of my posts are freshly squeezed, straight from the chicken’s ass. I’m aware that’s not a real saying but it should be because it paints an incredible visual. I’m a word artist, people.

Translated into uptight Suburbianism (my native tongue) that means that I pretty much write my blog entries the night before or the day of. That’s because I enjoy sharing things with you as I’m feeling them, it has nothing to do with poor planning. Nothing.

Anyhoo…I’m in the middle of this big laundry room re-do (and I pulled a muscle while removing a nail) so I’ve decided to repost an oldie but an almost goodie.

Tomorrow is floor laying. Wish me luck and send muscle relaxers.

Cleaning Your Rings-

I have a great tip for removing dirt, hairspray, saliva, blood, etc., off of your rings. What? You say you don’t have blood on them? HAHAHA! If you have kids then you most definitely have traces of blood (and poop) on your jewelry. If you shined a black-light on your rings I bet it would look like the inside of a Motel 6 and you’d vomit. Trust me.

Step 1.

The first thing you’ll want to do is soak your rings in alcohol to loosen the debris. I like to use Popov vodka. But if you don’t have Popov vodka (and you shouldn’t unless you live in a dorm) you can use Southern Comfort or Black Velvet Whiskey-basically any jagged alcohol capable of eating a hole through your bathtub.

*That was just an expression, you shouldn’t be bathing in any of that shit, you’ll go sterile.

Step 2.

After soaking your rings you’ll want to either rinse or lick them clean, depending on the time of day. I usually ask myself “Is it noon yet?”

*Tip within a tip- Pour the remaining alcohol on your kitchen sponge, countertops, or open wounds to kill nasty germs!

Step 3.

Put a pea-sized amount of toothpaste on a Sonic Care toothbrush. You can really use any vibrating toothbrush but I find my husband’s Sonic Care toothbrush works the best. The keyword here is “husband’s”, don’t use your own, that’s disgusting!

He doesn’t have one? Then get him one for his birthday, Christmas, or Hanukkah. If you’re having trouble justifying the expense then think of it this way, you could either buy a sonic jewelry cleaning machine for $199 or get a Sonic Care toothbrush that will keep your guy’s teeth white and make your diamonds sparkle for under $100. Now that’s a savings! It just makes good economical sense.

Now, I shouldn’t have to say this but…put the toothpaste on BEFORE turning on the toothbrush. Once you have the toothbrush humming make sure to work it into every nook and cranny of your ring. It’s important, however, that you don’t press too hard or the bristles will flatten out and 1) it won’t clean as well and 2) your husband will suspect you’ve done something bad with his toothbrush. He probably won’t suspect jewelry cleaning, but he might assume crevice cleaning (which I’ll address in another post).

Step 4. Rinse the rings under warm running water. But make sure to close the sink drain before doing Step 4, otherwise this might turn into a $500 plumbing bill.

Notice the badly needed manicure.

Voila! A shiny new ring like the day you got it from your sweetheart…or in my case, like the day you got it from the jeweler because you traded your old one in for a bigger one because you suck at sentiment. Sorry Brian.

(Brian, I was kidding about all of this. I totally use my own toothbrush, because that’s the right thing to do.)

A summary of the supplies you’ll need. I highly recommend putting the vodka away after each use.

Want to read something fresh today? Visit my girl Alyson over at The Shitastrophy, her shit will keep you laughing!