Dear Kim,
I recently purchased your Beaver Baby to explain the “miracle of life” to my 6 year old son. He hasn’t asked me yet, but at least I’m prepared and can gross people out with it in the meantime. My question today is, do you have anything that could help me explain puberty to my 12 year old daughter? If not, any ideas? I’m really not looking forward to this!
Please help,
Unprepared Penny
Dear Nickel,
You bought a Beaver Baby from me?! Thanks so much! You’ll be happy to know that 100% of the proceeds go directly to my pocket! Granted, it’s not tax deductible but I write your name on every dollar that I spend so that my nail technician, eyelash lady, and hair stylist know that you, dear Quarter, have contributed to my cause. Without donors like you, the research needed to make me beautiful would not be possible. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but before Beaver Baby funding became available, I was forced to cut corners, like using duct tape to wax my bikini area and doing my own spray tans.
Mexico, 2011 (also known as Year of the Furry Brown Zebra)
Do me a favor Dime, let me know how the Beaver Baby demonstration goes over with your son. Truth be told, I haven’t explained their purpose to my children yet. In fact, Ana thinks they’re slippers and hops around the house, occasionally taking them off to admire their warm fuzzy lining…and getting faux pubes everywhere. Come to think of it, that’s probably why she hasn’t been invited to any sleepovers.
As for your puberty issue, listen, I haven’t told my kids squat… zip, zero, nothing, and that’s the way I plan on keeping it. Period, Shmeriod. For all they know, I get a bloody nose 5 days a month and use Super Plus tampons to stop the bleeding (a brilliant suggestion by my friend Lori at The Next Step). I’ve even figured out how to secretly change them out while my daughter’s in the same 4×4 bathroom stall with me. Friends and family call me “The Menstrual Ninja”, a moniker that draws, what I can only describe as, looks of admiration when being introduced to new people.
Peso, I suggest waiting until your daughter gets her period, then tell her it’s nature’s way of punishing her for thinking about boys. Consequently, that should also delay the “sex” talk for a few years, or entirely.
I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for you but I come from a long line of sex-talk avoidance. You see, my grandmother was told that she was delivered by the postman, and my mother believed babies came from Sears & Roebuck. When she realized I wasn’t returnable despite keeping her hospital receipt, the fear was palpable in my formula. THAT is the kind of old fashioned parenting I strive to emulate. Besides, I figure they can learn all that stuff from the kids at school. Isn’t that why I send them to school anyway, to learn stuff I don’t want to teach them?
Take care, Dollar, and keep dodging those questions!
Kim
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