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The Weekend in Crappy Pics

January 27, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

On Friday, I began phase 1,272 of my basement re-do project, Painting.

Having purchased the best paint on the market (Benjamin Moore), I thought for sure I’d be putting my feet up and enjoying a yummy cocktail in no time. However, after 1 wall, 3 hours, and 5 coats of Mascarpone White later:

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If you recall Collin’s Birthday party, where I encouraged the kids to write all over the walls because “I’m painting anyway” (and clearly crazy), then you know that I have no one to blame but myself.

wcp25No, of course not. It’s probably my fault.

 

A heavy-duty primer is now on my shopping list.

 

On Saturday, I took Ana to TWO  back-to-back birthday parties. What’s that? Didn’t I take her to one last weekend? Why yes, yes I did. And don’t we have another one this weekend? Why yes, yes we do.

The first birthday was a 2 pm bowling party.

preschoolbowling

 

 

Then we headed to a 3:30 pm Dance Club birthday party, complete with pounding music, black lights, and an open bar. Just kidding about the open bar. Wish I wasn’t.

wcp80

 

 

While eating my third slice of birthday cake this week, I did a little math:

25 classmates + birthdays= 25 birthday parties.

Homeschooling never looked so appealing.

 

On Sunday, I spent 6 hours painting the rest of the basement…almost. I sorta ran out of paint and patience.

wcp881

Oh, and I’ve decided to continue my DIY wainscoting up the basement stairs because ending this project without a full mental breakdown is not an option. So you can look forward to that.

How was your weekend?

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Weekend in Crappy Pics

January 13, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

weekendincrappypics

 

I pretty much dragged ass this whole weekend. Sorry but it’s true.

[ INSERT MENTAL PICTURE OF SLOTH HERE] *too lazy to find a non-copyrighted picture

I even thought about skipping my Weekend in Crappy Pics post today but I know you’re all just chomping at the bit to read about our last 48 hours…well, except for Carol R. from Cincinnati, who’s asked me at least 3 or 4 times to remove her from my email list. But you know what I said to Carol? “Carol, Winners never quit me and quitters never win! And you’re a winner, Carol! YOU’RE A WINNER!”

I’m now SPAM to her.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure that Thursday night is to “blame for my lame”. <— I just made that up. I’ll trademark it later.

Thursday night, I took Brian on a surprise date. It wasn’t a surprise date like “Surprise! We’re on a date.” because date nights require more planning than that, it was more like “Surprise! Can you guess why I brought you to this dive?”

He was looking for clues everywhere.

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he was like:

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and I was like:

wcp721

I don’t want to hold you in suspense any longer…we were there to see a very popular comedian in our area, who’s frequently a guest on Brian’s favorite sports radio station. The guy did a bunch of sports humor and sports impressions and sports and sports, and other sports stuff, but it was a BYOB venue so I had a good time.

Afterwards, Brian was all giddy and in good spirits and in no hurry to get home so he suggested that we stop at the pub next door. I had a chocolate martini…then another…then I got all rambly with people about how I used to do custom handbags but had to stop because of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

On our way out, the bartender handed me these:

wcp73

Latex gloves. Umm, what?

Turns out, he thought I said I used to do custom handjobs until I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Strangely, I wasn’t as bothered by the “handjobs” misunderstanding as I was baffled by the “custom” part. Is that even a thing? Who’s got time for that??? Anyway, I guess he wanted me to be “careful out there” so that was nice…I think.

When we arrived home, I clumsily paid the babysitter from an enveloped marked “ANA’S BIRTHDAY MONEY” and still came up $5 short.

I handed her the $45 and said, “Ana either needs to get a job or have more birthdays!” Then I laughed and laughed and…worst mom ever.

On Friday, “somebody shoot me” could be heard in the early hours of noon.

And that’s why I didn’t write a Free Advice Friday (for those keeping track at home). My advice would have been something along the lines of “Don’t drink . Ever.” and “Pay the babysitter a little something extra to buy her discretion.” Actually, the latter isn’t a bad idea.

How was your weekend? Tell me you were worthless too, please.

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Weekend in Crappy Pics!

November 11, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Thank you, dear veterans, for your service and sacrifice!

Today is Veteran’s Day. Consequently, it also marks the 1 year anniversary of the day I left Ana in the gym daycare and went home to eat eggs.

Want to feel better about your parenting? Then read this.

And now, crappy pics!

On Friday night, Brian and I put the kids into Kid’s Night Out at the gym, and went out to dinner.

Remember how Collin HATES Kids Night Out because he’s usually the oldest kid there and he’s forced to color cardboard magic wands or create macaroni art?  Well, this Friday wasn’t much better…

STORY TIME! I’m pretty sure “I hate my parents” was running on his mental loop.

Can you believe he never asked us if we enjoyed our meal?  So rude.

Saturday morning, much to even our surprise, we went to the gym as a family. Brian took a Spin class while Collin and I ran/walked 3 miles, and Ana went into Child Care (she held onto the car keys so we couldn’t forget her). Afterwards, we headed back home to shower, passing a park along the way.

Ana: Can we go to the park?

Brian: Not right now.

Ana: But I want to!

Brian: It’s shut down…um…someone pooped on the slide.

Collin: Oh right, I heard that on the news today. They said it’s smeared everywhere!

Me: Well, that stinks! Get it?

HAHAHAHA! Everyone laughed at my pun except Ana….

Saturday night, we went to Costco, Kohls, and then out to an Italian Restaurant for dinner.  Oddly, we were the youngest diners there and the most fashionably dressed…

After dropping a mint on fatty food all weekend, I decided to cook a nice healthy dinner Sunday Night…

That was stupid.

After dinner, I decided that I really, really, really, wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.  I should mention that we haven’t used the fireplace in 3 years because, well…ANA.  Now that she’s 4, I’m almost confident that she most likely won’t fling herself  full force into the “pretty light”.  But the first step was to open the flue and inspect…

By the way, I have a chimney sweep scheduled to come on Thursday.  That’s right, I’ve waited 3 years to light it, yet I couldn’t wait 4 more days. I imagine I’m a very frustrating person to live with.

Here’s some of the crap I pulled out myself…

Then, not knowing what could be living in our chimney, we held our breath and lit it.

And it worked! No one (or nothing) died in the making of this fire!

Then we all sat around it, ohhing and ahhing like cavemen until the last ember went out….

That was my favorite part of the weekend.

How was your weekend?

 

Need any tips on How to Supersize Your Engagement Ring? My girl Alyson, over at The Shitastrophy, has you covered!

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The Weekend in Crappy Pics

September 16, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

On Friday morning, Brian went into the hospital to have his tonsils removed, his uvula cut, and his deviated septum repaired (sleep apnea issues). It was Friday the 13th, people. Let me repeat, it was Friday. The. 13th. Apparently, that was the only day his doctor’s surgical schedule was clear. Gee, I wonder why?

Thankfully, surgery went great. The doctor said his deviated septum was the worst one he’s ever seen so this surgery should make a huge difference in his breathing (and hopefully his snoring. Shoot me if not.)

Anyhoo, after surgery, as I was sitting lovingly by his side, I pulled out my camera and started snapping away. I mean, let’s face it, that mummy-looking shit is “Weekend in Crappy Pics” gold! Unfortunately, the drugs weren’t strong enough and he woke up and made me swear I wouldn’t post any of the pics on my blog. What a baby. Fine.

But he didn’t say I couldn’t draw him…

 

BAM!!! I could totally be a court sketch artist! Check it out, compare my drawing to the original and tell me I’m not right.

 

 

They stuck him down some dark corridor, so I was really excited to see that his room had a window…

“Well, that’s an unfortunate view.”

A graveyard? Next door? Really?

And then it got stranger. I looked directly down and noticed that there were gravestones ON the hospital property.

“Hang in there. Things could be worse, you could be here.” – an inspirational message brought to you by ABC Hospital

20 million hours later, Brian’s ice bag needed refilling and I was about to call the nurse until I saw this…

so I found the ice machine and refilled it myself. Then I checked his blood pressure, took his temperature, and inserted a catheter. I think I did it right, but he might be peeing in two different directions for the next few weeks.

 

On Saturday morning, I headed out to pick him up at the hospital.

 

That was really hard, guys- I really wanted to stop. If he ever doubted my feelings for him…

We did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.

 

On Sunday, I woke up to the sweet sound of birds tweeting…or so I thought. Turns out it was just Brian breathing through the tubes in his nose. I’m going to miss those tubes.

In the afternoon, I took Collin to flag football and Ana came along so that Brian could rest.

Remember last Sunday, when I busted out some Parasite Parenting skillz and Ana attached herself to the family with two boys and a dog? Well, I DID IT AGAIN, BABY! Same family too! suuuucckkkers.

 

 

When she got tired of standing behind them, she sat in her chair and moved it a foot closer every 5 minutes.

They didn’t notice her until she was in her new mommy’s lap. She’s that good.

When practice was over, I retrieved her and said to her other mother, “Hey, thanks for entertaining her. I couldn’t help but notice that you took family photos.Would you mind making copies for me? Thanks.”

And how was your weekend?

P.S. Did I mention that today is Brian’s birthday? Poor guy (and umm, bad planning on his part).

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